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Confessions from GRÄNSLANDET (2021)

jesus saves neon signage

This text was written by a visitor of the play party project called SALONGEN // GRÄNSLANDET. Thank you for sharing your story.

When you enter an event like GRÄNSLANDET you never know where it’s going to take you. Everytime is different. Everytime you find something new in yourself. This time it took me deep into the realm of voyeurism and exhibitionism. The evening was a reminder of how much we all need to be seen. Not just in an exhibitionist way but in a human way. To meet the gazes of others and share the same space.

The wordlessness of the space spoke to me. I was drawn by the promise of silence. There are no words in the headspace I want to be in anyway. For someone like me, who feels so exhausted and drained in my everyday life that I mumble good morning to my colleagues without making eye contact, this was a reminder of that need to connect. The wordlessness makes it safe, no unwanted questions or concern, just presence and acceptance. A restful space. That is what I seek in my exploration of BDSM – a safe, calm and restful space.

There was strange music playing. Bodies moving, dancing, flowing. Eyes watching and being watched. Hesitant and bold at the same time. Objectified by the anonymity. Dehumanized and still more human than ever.

When I play I usually get so caught up in my own experience that I stop noticing the world around me. But this evening as I watched others playing I saw the sadistic grin on their faces and shared in their enjoyment. It was impossible to look away, I was enthralled, eyes wide. As someone turned and asked: “Did you see our session?”, the light in their eyes reflected in mine. Yes, I saw you.

Perhaps I am a bit more at home in this setting than my partner. We played, not hard or edgy but enough for us in that space and time. The point is not what we did but what it did to us.

Throughout our whole session I was aware of the surroundings; the otherworldly music, the audience, the school desk wobbling under me with every blow, the irony of the wooden cross on the wall above and the heat of the spotlight that was aimed right between my legs. I kept looking up to see if anyone was watching. I wanted them to see. He made me straddle the desk and my exposed pussy was lit up. Much to my partner’s amusement my head was banging against the wooden cross as he was spanking me. I had to turn my blushing face away. Wanting to hide but not being able to. Wanting to be seen but not being able to admit it.

The exposure and shame might also be my biggest kink. Being held down, exposed, forced and used. My naked body and all my most perverted desires for all to see. I wear my shame with pride. I revel in it. There’s no hiding from the truth. You know it, I know it.

So I confess.

I love this.

Thank you to everyone who was watching. In your eyes I found exactly what I didn’t know I was looking for.