You can listen to this musing here, or read it below.
In the end, what most dominant men want is to fuck. So she says with defeat in her eyes. And that is their final downfall in most sadomasochistic plays. Under that assumption, it all turns into a game of seduction when his overall goal is to make the submissive horny enough to want sex. So if the dominant man has predecided that he wants sex, then the submissive will always sit with the trump card. And can allow herself to be seduced when the play is according to her taste. If the scene is dull, all she needs to do is to be uninterested.
Of course, there is conscious and consensual rape play. But in my experience, most submissives and dominants aren’t turned on by the real thing, in the sense of the submissive really not wanting sex. Instead, they want to pretend they are not enjoying themselves, fight back a little bit and eventually allow themselves to be overpowered. Now they can enjoy themselves without any performance anxiety. Because they are being forced, right? Endless sluttiness and no guilt.
So I think a key to dominance in a sadomasochistic play is being the one less needy for sex. Sometimes I joke that when meeting a new play partner, she will have to beg desperately on her knees before I would fuck her. And if the power more turns me on than the sex, I’ll probably enjoy denying her even more. So the sadomasochistic play is a game of eros. Of course, it works almost the same with a non-man playing the dominant role, but they can usually satisfy their need in many ways without allowing the man to actually fuck. And most heteronormative men only know one way to pleasure themselves when a woman is around, which is the penis in the pussy sex. Then, of course, some people practice play without involving the eros, so this doesn’t apply to everyone. But when I meet a new submissive play partner, she realises she is probably the more desperate one, and then she often loses everything.
This dynamic can then easily be incorporated into the sadomasochistic play by tease and denial. For many submissive men, this is a massive part of their desire to lose control of their pleasure. For example, having their cock locked in a cage and giving away the key to a mistress. On the other hand, most women I meet have never thought about having their sexuality controlled because they are so used to men being desperate for them. Therefore, introducing tease and denial in a sadomasochistic relationship comes with the mutual agreement that being desperately horny as the submissive is more meaningful than being sexually satisfied. I think this is a straightforward agreement if the person had their period of normative erotic exploration over and done with. And it’s relatively easy, and it’s about getting closer and closer to an orgasmic climax without going for the edge and allowing the submissive to revel in their desperation and the control they have given over to the dominant.
While this might sound frustrating, it can be. There is a whole spiritual, erotic practice of not climaxing. One can find it in both tantra and Daoism, and sexual celibacy is a thing even in Christianity. And again, quoting Osho, the lowest form of sexuality is that of the flesh. However, it’s unclear to me if the desperation of sadomasochistic tease and denial is the same goal here. Probably not. During my first years in contact with Scandinavian erotic spirituality, exploring non-ejaculation was one of the biggest takeaways because it reframed my view on intimacy and sexuality. And it helped to keep my erotic energy high without getting desperate. So just maybe, an erotic spiritual non-climaxing practice is an excellent recommendation for the dominant, while the submissive is sentenced to the pit of sexual desperation. If that feels meaningful, that is.