…and then they get to tie each other. If I have their consent, I like them to switch partners and roles. Circularly and ceremonially, moving from man to man, sometimes even with their eyes closed, to embrace each meeting as a wave of the ocean. And keeping the experience about themselves rather than forming a relationship. Some laugh and cry, others moan and blush, and some feel nothing. And that is just as it should be.
Woman Magazine Eesti Nainee: …many men who come to my retreats are performance-oriented towards external success. They must have a good job, an expensive car, a nice house and a beautiful, well-groomed woman so that others can see the man’s success. But often they don’t know at all what they like. If such a man is deliberately taught how to consciously and consensually dominate, he can focus on his needs, which can be a healing experience.
2023 is here. And I’m starting the year off in solitude in the Japanese mountains outside Osaka. I aim to work on my book project while walking the woods, relaxing in the hot springs, and learning my new camera. Here is what I know so far. The working title is Rituals and Paradoxes, which will be roughly 400 coffee table-sized pages. So it’s totally a tome. The bulk describes five paradoxes I’ve encountered during my twenty years of exploring sadomasochism and esoteric eroticism.
Being and Doing
Self-sacrifice and Letting go
Selfishness and Holding space
Polarity and Unity
Reality and Symbols
So I think a key to dominance in a sadomasochistic play is being the one less needy for sex. Sometimes I joke that when meeting a new play partner, she will have to beg desperately on her knees before I would fuck her. And if the power more turns me on than the sex, I’ll probably enjoy denying her even more. So the sadomasochistic play is a game of eros. Of course, it works almost the same with a non-man playing the dominant role, but they can usually satisfy their need in many ways without allowing the man to actually fuck. And most heteronormative men only know one way to pleasure themselves when a woman is around, which is the penis in the pussy sex. Then, of course, some people practice play without involving the eros, so this doesn’t apply to everyone. But when I meet a new submissive play partner, she realises she is probably the more desperate one, and then she often loses everything.
Currently busy with my book project, there is something that I often think about—the relationship between surrender and connection. However, while writing, I realize that I dislike the term connection. It’s so vague. Instead, I think intimacy is the thing. Or maybe trust. The next Point of Surrender is in May. Maybe I’ll see you there.
Remember that particular song for a festival or retreat? The one that made that exercise so extraordinary. I’m often asked for music and playlists, and almost always, I’m actually DJ:ing while teaching, so there is no one playlist. However, here is a yearly mix of what I liked and played for the past months. Enjoy.
Two more weeks until the sixth edition of the Point of Surrender, the five-day couples retreat I do with Lin Holmqvist, “Where BDSM meets Tantra”, is one point of surrender. Every time we make this retreat, I realize that Tantra and BDSM become more and more of a modality to understanding the dynamics of a relationship. So ceremonially scaling down the noise of the surrounding everyday life makes space to experience the many seedlings that continuously grow into the foundation of a relationship. And that making of space, of silence, and sharing it with other like-minded has given birth to some of the most touching expressions of love I’ve ever experienced. And also some of the saddest realizations about what a relationship really is. But that, I guess, is the nature of things.
Another photo shoot from my travels. This time in Krakow, Poland, and an old industrial building turned into an art space for dance and aerial performances. Photos by maciakfoto.pl
Recently my musing has become much more silent. The reason is that I’m working on a book by putting my thought process from the last five years into a single narrative and combining that with some personal stories. It will probably take a year; meanwhile, I’ll try to post more pictures—this time from the autumn woods in Austria.
Perceiving trauma as a protection mechanism, I think, helps. Someone had a shocking experience and is trying to avoid it again. And it makes sense; however, our nervous system doesn’t know if the circumstances change. Simply the difference between a kid being forcefully wrapped in a blanket until it’s impossible to breathe compared to an adult being consciously and consensually tied up with ropes. So feeling panic and a need to escape when wrapped tightly makes sense for some people, while others just feel hugged and held.
Playing with BDSM forges an emotional bond. And there is nothing strange in that. It’s even what many people keep looking for because they want to feel. And they want to belong. However, this connection might remain for a long time, like unfinished business. And therefore cause harm, hiccups and heartache. Some might even enjoy this emotional masochism while walking down rainy streets listening to the gloomy words of Nick Cave. It might even be romantic. But for others, it’s better to learn how to cut this invisible cord.
But what happens instead is some people burst into an explosion of silliness and start to play. They want to have fun dying. Others pull together, by a magnetical sexual force, in one last expression of intimacy and horniness. But most meditate, eye-gaze, slow dance, and cry in a hug. But there is a lot of loneliness also—a lot of desperation. Maybe someone was never loved, never kissed, never embraced by intimacy. And if it never happened in my entire adult life, then it has to happen now, right, in the end? So I need to make it happen. This is my last chance. CAN’T YOU HEAR MY DESPERATION ROARING?