To answer this question, we need to start with a thought experiment. Say that you get offered to be turned into a vampire, would you do it? Truly think about it, would you?
Can you know how it would feel to be a vampire? No.
Can you compare how it feels to be human? No.
Can you change your mind afterwards if you were unhappy about becoming a vampire? No.
It’s impossible to know, since becoming a vampire would permanently change how you view yourself and the world around you. Now you might think that this is a silly question, but…
What is the difference between submission and surrender?
I want to offer one explanation. Both are about letting go of control, and the difference is where you go instead. In surrender, you journey into yourself. In submission, you journey into the will of another.
This makes surrender into an introspective experience, while submission into an interpersonal experience. In submission, you dedicate yourself to another being, and your attention remains full on their will. While in surrender you dedicate yourself to your present experience.
In surrender, your suffering is relieved by not comparing the present situation, to the past or future. While in submission your suffering is relieved by replacing your will with the will of another.
This distinction is important greatly when playing with polarity in control and power.
The most rewarding place to exist as a human being is in the In-Between Space. Away from dogmatic truths and polarizing doctrines. This place is so nourishing in a time of political extremism, and goal-oriented productivity, where consequences are dire and punishment is corporal. The In-Between Space is a place to belong, in togetherness. In the presence, in-between the future and the past – ‘anyhow you get the gist.
Because rituals are the perfect ship and BDSM is the perfect compass to sail into the subconscious. Now let me explain why I would want to do that.
This is a retreat for couples who wants to explore surrender in their relationship.
How do you relate to the topic surrender and what is surrender to you?
Lin and Andy have investigated surrender, submission and dominance in many different areas of their private and professional lives. This retreat is a practical experience for couples about power dynamics within a relationship.
Welcome to a game of sacrifice,
A game of love.
What will you do for love?
This is a workshop in two parts:
First, a speed-date for love.
Second, a game of love,
with one, many, or nobody.
This is a workshop about drooling that provides a frame for the participants to explore different situations for drooling. From drooling yourself and getting drooled on, to choreographing the drooling, and observing as a witness. Maybe you will find it erotic, or shameful. Perhaps empowering, or disgusting. Either way there is only one way to find out. Let it pour.
I’ve for a long time been trying to define what happened to me during the years of Schwelle 7. And now ten years later I carry the fruits of Schwelle 7 forward in my own work with the in-between space. Now I realize that I’m personally more interested in a space to be brave, than a space to be safe.
Women often ask men to advise men on how to interact with women, but who am I to preach? I can share a story that I’ve seen re-enacted hundreds of times over the years. The story about a lone cowboy. It is heteronormative and exaggerated. Still, it carries an important message to some men out there.
What is a Play Party? What is it? WHAT IS IT? This question is continuously asked. Here video interview in Danish with my beautiful and brave friend Lea Love. She is doing the organization and amazing food for the Play Parties in southern Sweden.
Her answer to the question “What is a Play Party” was the following (translated to English).
It’s a space.
That we create together.
That is built on trust.
Where you are free.
To explore your own sexuality.
Alone, together with others, or in whatever constellation that feels right.
Exploring sexuality can be an inner journey without any physical contact.
It’s a space where we are free to be as we are.
Sitting there in the sub-saharan night with crickets singing and stars filling the sky a thought was born – why do I organize and celebrate the breaking of structure and loose of control.
“Basically most of us will get turned on at night by the very same things that we will demonstrate against during the day.”
–Esther Perel, the secret to desire in a long-term relationship
Bondage, discipline, submission, sadism, and masochism are the pillars of BDSM. They are conscious taboos in our everyday life, but they are equally strong in our subconscious, governing both our sexuality and creativity. We are often tempted to explore them unconsciously in destructive relationships, lasting a night to a life-time. Or trivialising them to an embarrassing 50 Shades of Gray clique (or Harlequin novel if you were born before 1980). Instead, in this retreat, we will explore BDSM through rituals, that act as frames that we can consciously relate to and reflect upon. This enables, on one hand, a safer space and clearer communication, and on the other hand a deeper experience, as we follow a known path that works together.
Another writing early writing on playfullness and play parties from the early days, written in Swedish.
“Let’s try a metaphor. Imagine a human being as an artichoke. The artichoke’s tough, spiny leaves are the innumerable shields we put up to defend that which is must tender and sought after – the heart. We can tear tan artichoke’s leaves off to get at its heart, just as we can attack a person; but there is a much easier and more effective way. If we steam the artichoke, it surrenders its leaves, exposing and sharing its heart with us. In the same way, play does not attack a person’s defences. Play creates an environment in which we drop our shields and share our tender human heart, which is what we all want in the first place. But if our shields are ripped off from the outside, we try to build even stronger ones. In play we interact heart to heart, without any of our cultural separations.”
“What motivates some people to forego security and explore outside the cultural limits? We must believe that faith, that life is more than we are told, that it goes beyond the ordinary cultural means to give. The power of play lives in its timeless pattern of sharing. It does not seek to obliterate or transform differences. It allows for interaction because it operates on a deeper level where there are no differences that make a differences.”
“We must somehow trust that there will be something to hold us if we let go of the sociocultural norms within which we are enmeshed. Constantly confronted as we are with the uncertainty and mystery of life, we may know that total security is illusory. But illusion or not, we think and act as if our culture is a security blanket. To conceive of coming out from under it requires fearlessness.”
We Are Play was one of my early projects to explore BDSM and sexuality in a playful way. I did together with my friend Denice. This was our manifesto written in Swedish.
Another of my early play parties on theme a decadent dinner, and what happens when hosts, guests, servants, and entertainers meet. The description is written in Swedish.