Death meditation, the experience of Hajnalka Indigo Wings
The Downfall of Horniness (2022)
So I think a key to dominance in a sadomasochistic play is being the one less needy for sex. Sometimes I joke that when meeting a new play partner, she will have to beg desperately on her knees before I would fuck her. And if the power more turns me on than the sex, I’ll probably enjoy denying her even more. So the sadomasochistic play is a game of eros. Of course, it works almost the same with a non-man playing the dominant role, but they can usually satisfy their need in many ways without allowing the man to actually fuck. And most heteronormative men only know one way to pleasure themselves when a woman is around, which is the penis in the pussy sex. Then, of course, some people practice play without involving the eros, so this doesn’t apply to everyone. But when I meet a new submissive play partner, she realises she is probably the more desperate one, and then she often loses everything.
Gallery: Point of Surrender Winter (2022)
Currently busy with my book project, there is something that I often think about—the relationship between surrender and connection. However, while writing, I realize that I dislike the term connection. It’s so vague. Instead, I think intimacy is the thing. Or maybe trust. The next Point of Surrender is in May. Maybe I’ll see you there.
Point of Surrender for the newly-in-love, busy-with-life and fun-before-death (2022)
Two more weeks until the sixth edition of the Point of Surrender, the five-day couples retreat I do with Lin Holmqvist, “Where BDSM meets Tantra”, is one point of surrender. Every time we make this retreat, I realize that Tantra and BDSM become more and more of a modality to understanding the dynamics of a relationship. So ceremonially scaling down the noise of the surrounding everyday life makes space to experience the many seedlings that continuously grow into the foundation of a relationship. And that making of space, of silence, and sharing it with other like-minded has given birth to some of the most touching expressions of love I’ve ever experienced. And also some of the saddest realizations about what a relationship really is. But that, I guess, is the nature of things.
The cord that wasn’t cut (2022)
Playing with BDSM forges an emotional bond. And there is nothing strange in that. It’s even what many people keep looking for because they want to feel. And they want to belong. However, this connection might remain for a long time, like unfinished business. And therefore cause harm, hiccups and heartache. Some might even enjoy this emotional masochism while walking down rainy streets listening to the gloomy words of Nick Cave. It might even be romantic. But for others, it’s better to learn how to cut this invisible cord.
Being human (2022)
But what happens instead is some people burst into an explosion of silliness and start to play. They want to have fun dying. Others pull together, by a magnetical sexual force, in one last expression of intimacy and horniness. But most meditate, eye-gaze, slow dance, and cry in a hug. But there is a lot of loneliness also—a lot of desperation. Maybe someone was never loved, never kissed, never embraced by intimacy. And if it never happened in my entire adult life, then it has to happen now, right, in the end? So I need to make it happen. This is my last chance. CAN’T YOU HEAR MY DESPERATION ROARING?
Death meditation, the experience of Candice Leigh (2022)
Art of rejection (2022)
From the submissive side, there is relaxation when I accept that someone else controls my desire. And that they’ll clearly show me when something is wrong. The rejection doesn’t have to be loud and theatrical, but it can be subtle, maybe only understandable by the two souls involved in the play. There is an elegance to it. To be so attentive and in tune with another. And how needy can I allow myself to be? Knowing that I’ll be lovingly held inside of my desperation.
Being fetish (2022)
Within psychology, the pathological definition of fetishism is having one’s sexual attraction tuned towards inanimate objects or body parts not traditionally viewed as sexual. Shoes and feet are typical examples. For it to actually be pathological, one must be unable to function sexually without the fetish. While, on the other hand, it’s widespread to “have a fetish for something”, I think the word kink is a better description for the casual obsession with a material, like leather or latex. From a mythological perspective, pathological fetishism, I think, can be seen as the object depriving the individual of their human function (forging intimate connections, fucking, and reproducing) and replacing it with worshipping the fetish in a god-like relationship. And here, of course, the reference to BDSM is apparent. In submitting to an object, and sometimes even becoming the object oneself, like fully enclosing oneself in leather.
How to say no without breaking a power dynamic? (2022)
Because when the hard no is spoken, it breaks something. It is supposed to; it’s the whole point. Sometimes I think about the difference between playing with sensations and power. When the feeling, rather than the meaning, of a spanking, is the goal. Then there is no dynamic to be broken, but when the power play is the purpose, maintaining a fantasy or fiction becomes a key.
Dedication to a play party (2022)
I have a nightmarish memory from the last SALONGEN. A man half-jumping around on his way home with one leg in his trousers while trying to say thank you and exchanging numbers with the other visitors. It’s so sad and selfish. His party was over; he was going home. By acting this way, he wasn’t only breaking the rules of the play party but also making a statement that the party was ending for everyone because he was on his way home. When he said thank you to me, I wanted to ask him never to come back again.
I am woman; on divinity and domination (2022)
Sometimes I joke that as a man, you need to prove your worth first and that you are not “one of them, the bad men”, and then a submissive woman might submit to you. However, as a woman, submissive men say that they are instantly willing to give anything as long as anything includes everything on their wishlist and nothing more. I think it’s because most people long for surrender rather than submission. Maybe the offering of submission must be greater than the self-pleasure of surrender. Divinity might be the most fitting word. The opposite of the beastly carnal love of the flesh. So, how divine are you in your dominance? Especially as the leather daddy dom?
Aftercare, self-care and resilience (2022)
When things go wrong in an intimate or intense situation, it’s often constructive to deal with it directly. Things might hurt more than expected when one is vulnerable and the armour is off. Bad feelings can be like little monsters, at first completely harmless, but if it’s locked in behind the armour, they might grow and become more and more of a problem. And next time the armour comes off, there is a massive beast on an emotional rampage waiting to come out.
Preparing to play (2022)
But in order for this to happen, one must make space. Living in northern Scandinavia, I love isolation, sauna and fasting. Isolation comes to me from the long winter nights. They make my world smaller and slower but also more focused. And they bring out the details in me, my feelings, and my surroundings. It makes it possible to grasp for the things that are usually at the edge of my awareness. It’s like a reminiscence.There is this difference between the night and the day. The daytime is so organized by the everyday tasks. Waking up, eating breakfast, going to work, eating lunch, exercising, meeting a friend, having dinner, watching NetFlix and falling asleep. So there is little space for the unknown. On the other hand, the night is neverending and dream-like—fasting and saunaing aid this. By shutting down the digestive system, I become more sensitive because my body is not constantly occupied by breaking down food, and it removes the repetitive concept of eating. Saunaing might sound very specific, but it allows me to cleanse my system. Maybe it’s only symbolic of emptying each pore of my skin and replacing the water in the lymph system. It’s preparation for something new.
Connection, cruelty and threesomes (2022)
The most important thing in my experience is the focal point of awareness. In psychology, it’s often referred to as the salience landscape-the thing that stands out right now in our understanding of the present moment. And when both people involved in the scene share the same landscape, they’ll experience the connection of belonging to the same point in time and space. It’s almost like a choreography of the mind and body. In theatre studies based on Stanislawski and Grotowski, there is a big focus on the project occupying the actor’s mind on stage. A person not knowing what they are doing on stage will look and feel confused and uncomfortable. Of course, this can be a part of a sadistic BDSM game or used to create a sense of mystery on stage. But to have a comfortable connection between the actor and the audience, they must share the same salience landscape. They must belong together. Otherwise, it’s the same punishment as being outcasted from the story.