Being tied or topped is an act of vulnerability. It is evident because of the surrender of one’s body and mind.
As a top, you will encounter another kind of vulnerability. You will expose your perverted and socially-deviant desires. But usually, it doesn’t start there when first learning about bondage. The learning experience begins as a technical challenge and as a way to provide an experience. Later it can expand into being about desires of the top.
The more bondage and dominance you apply, the more space you get to express your desires, and the more responsible you get for how the scene unfolds. The bottom will witness and experience you. Unexpectedly many people love to feel the unmoderated desire of someone they trust. Of course, their encouraging reactions fuel for your actions. But ultimately, you are the doer, and this makes you vulnerable.
You will be the one tying people up and making them helpless.
You will be the one bringing out shame and humiliation in others.
You will be the one sexually ravaging like a predator.
All the things that we shouldn’t do in modern society. And for me, this becomes the significant challenge of showing vulnerability as the person tying.
Then you are most likely tensed in your body too.
Many session first-timers tell me that they are nervous. Usually, it was excitement that turned into nervousness as they approached the session. The bodily response to nervousness and enthusiasm are more or less the same. The heart rate rises, first sweat occurs, and the muscle starts to tense. Your nerve system is activated or aroused in biological terms. The interpretation of the experience happens later in your head — anyhow enough nerdiness about the biochemistry of the human body.
A recurring client suggested that I should offer a combined session, half massage and half rope. To first massage the body to help it relax and then use bondage to let the mind to surrender. So far, I’ve shared a cup of tea and some small talk with first-timers to help them land in the room, feel safe, and trust me. However, massage let you feel how my body interacts with your body, and that is closer to rope bondage than tea and small talk. Because ultimately a bodywork session is more a meeting between two bodies in motion, and two nerve systems that develop a non-verbal language together. Starting this way will help your nervousness and body tension to melt away.
We gave it a go, and it was a success. So now I offer the combo session for everyone.
I never wrote a text on bondage and sexuality, probably because I see them so obviously intertwined. Still, I meet many people that are confused about the topic. Why are we turned on by being tied up?
I think our relationship to suffering in everyday life is very harmful. Especially living in Sweden, that is protected from significant suffering for such a long time. Add the instant gratification culture of social media where we are being taught to receive only positive experiences instantly. Like like like. The result is that we are no longer geared to deal with hard and challenging experiences, and hence, we are not ready to suffer.
Fay was one of the participants at the Art of Submission whom got triggered and she was generous enough to share her story, and what for her made the difference between a good and a bad experience. And I think it puts the finger on what for me is a good bold workshop. This is her story.
I made a new friend among the 950 participants of the Ängsbacka Tantrafestival last week. He participated in three of my workshop in felt touched by the depth and sadness of my work, so we decided to sit down for an interview.
We cover topics about masculinity and vulnerability, the role of sexuality in modern society, trauma and tension, and much much more. I can deeply recommend it, if you want to get to know me deeper.
To answer this question, we need to start with a thought experiment. Say that you get offered to be turned into a vampire, would you do it? Truly think about it, would you?
Can you know how it would feel to be a vampire? No.
Can you compare how it feels to be human? No.
Can you change your mind afterwards if you were unhappy about becoming a vampire? No.
It’s impossible to know, since becoming a vampire would permanently change how you view yourself and the world around you. Now you might think that this is a silly question, but…
In this workshop, the focus is the perverted desire of the rigger, rather than engineering experiences for the bottom. And we will explore ties and theories that help the rigger to express this perverted desire. Through objectification, exposure, shame-play, forced serving and simply taking pleasure from our bottom beyond emphatically following along on their journey. The rope bondage then becomes the key tool to motivate and manipulate the bottom through both pain and pleasure. So they remain curious about going down the rabbit hole of the riggers desire.
I will teach the following five retreats during the autumn 2019.
Here are my playlists from some of the workshops I taught at festivals during the summer of 2019.
What is the difference between submission and surrender?
I want to offer one explanation. Both are about letting go of control, and the difference is where you go instead. In surrender, you journey into yourself. In submission, you journey into the will of another.
This makes surrender into an introspective experience, while submission into an interpersonal experience. In submission, you dedicate yourself to another being, and your attention remains full on their will. While in surrender you dedicate yourself to your present experience.
In surrender, your suffering is relieved by not comparing the present situation, to the past or future. While in submission your suffering is relieved by replacing your will with the will of another.
This distinction is important greatly when playing with polarity in control and power.
Welcome to a three-day retreat where you can learn how to tie and get tied in an intuitive, present, and creative manner, independently of your previous experience. We will work with strategies for improvisation, breakdown the ideas of beauty, and see how it shapes relationships in a tie.
And in the meanwhile hang out with magical people in beautiful nature.