People often ask me why I’m so obsessed with tying others up. And even more why countless strangers find it meaningful to give themselves to me and my ropes. The answer is not as simple as many think, and mostly they assume that sex is a primary motivating factor. This is far from the case – and would be highly impractical as I tie around a hundred different people every year. For me, rope bondage is the perfect practice to meet another in a space of insecurity between doing and being. In a way ropes are completely innocent, an everyday object, after all, a fairly soft one at that compared to whips and chains, yet it can lead us down endless journeys into spaces rarely explored. Insecurity is a big one.
Initially, most people are curious about rope bondage because of the opportunity to surrender and let go of control. Capitalistic society today can be experienced as fast-phased and full of threats, from climate and economic collapse to political and religious fundamentalism. While the risks may be accurate, the constant stress often results in a mindset of having more and feeling less. A state of physical tension, hyperarousal in the nervous system, and bottled-up survival energy. The opportunity to let go, if only temporarily, while trusting in another human can be an immensely liberating antidote.
First-timers in rope bondage often describe the feeling of being ‘held’ by the ropes rather than ‘tied up’. Loved and cared for rather than dominated and humiliated. But, of course, the experience depends greatly on the person tying, their lineage and environment. A big reason why it works is the inherited consent and consciousness practices from the sadomasochistic subculture. Rope bondage may be a high-risk/reward activity – just like all esoteric work. Because of the accompanying release of physical and emotional tension around sexuality, the experience of power and surrender may be overwhelming. But there is also an opportunity for healing in the right environment. Openly talking about what bondage symbolises for oneself helps clarify the intentions and limitations and works as a shared path to follow. Another contribution to a safer practice is the down-to-earth focus on one’s embodied experience and the relationship with one’s partner. There is no ancient deity to believe in, no guru to be understood, and no sacred medicine to ‘fix you’. There is only the continuously unfolding experience.
Japanese Rituals
The dedication to ritual, beauty, and craftsmanship are some of the most meaningful influences on my rope bondage from its Japanese origins. This care brings the balance between challenge and competence needed to reach a meditative flow state. There is an eastern philosophical framework for relating to it. For example, the concept of Ma is the relevant distance between things. Ma, in my rope bondage, represents the tempo when wrapping the body in ropes to give ample space for reactions. But also awareness of the intimacy expressed by the physical space between the person tying and being tied. Not to mention the aesthetic beauty of spacing rope on the body. Like many other concepts, Ma falls under the umbrella term Do – meaning ‘the way’. My idea is to include spirituality (a tao/dao kind of teaching) in everyday practices, like Aikido and Kado (the way of arranging flowers). Once again, we refer to a way that things are being done and experienced rather than talked about or believed to be.
A rope bondage session can be many things because it’s a reflection of two people, the person tying and the person being bound. Some meetings are intense rituals for healing, while others are playful, creative, and fun. Some practitioners enjoy circus-like suspension, while others like emotional tying on the floor. With this wide range of desired experiences comes an important expression – Your Kink Is Not My Kink, But Your Kink Is Ok. It symbolises the absence of norms about what one should do, feel, or experience. People in the sadomasochistic subculture know how it feels to be judged and excluded. Therefore they often try to make space for the inherent variation of sexual preferences and gender expressions.
A Road To Personal Growth
Rope bondage practitioners are, in general, curious about what is triggering. There is an opportunity to consciously activate arousal (or energy, if you prefer) to understand oneself better. The arousal itself doesn’t have to be judged as positive or negative but can be seen as a reflection of oneself. Or to use a metaphor, as a story told on our journey through life. The stories told in rope bondage are often related to sexuality, domination and submission, shame and pride, and surrender and control. Beginners may ask – “but aren’t there enough power games in the world today”? Indeed there are, but they are mostly unconscious and non-consensual. By exploring the subject in a safer place, one can learn how to confront the power structures in everyday life as they express themselves in intimate relationships, the work environment, and the political arena. Quoting relationship therapist and renowned speaker Esther Perel, “Most of us will get turned on at night by the very same things that we will demonstrate against during the day – the erotic mind is not very politically correct”.
Finding a conscious and consensual outlet to experience all of oneself might be precisely what is needed. To transcend the fear of being a misfit, inappropriate, or simply ‘wrong’. Learning to surrender to what is, rather than trying to control how things ‘should be’. And seeing that there is light in the darkness and darkness in the light. Maybe this will release some bottled-up tension; perhaps that journey begins with a rope.
