Andy I’m in Tokyo for a few weeks. You are a kinkster. Tell me what to do!

I often get this question, and since the answer is complicated, I’ll try here to answer it once. Forever. In a timeless manner.

First off, Tokyo is way less openly kinky per capita than most European big cities. The Japanese eros has many myths and legends around it. Partly this is the exoticization from the West, especially when it comes to rope bondage. But as I write about in my book Rituals and Paradoxes, in Japan, where sexuality is very repressed, it also takes many deviant forms — the majority of it in the shape of pornography and hentai. Because most everyday people are way too shy to participate actively. And when they do, there isn’t the same consent culture as in Europe, nor the same everyday physical interactions. Very few hugs, handshakes, social dancing with strangers or bodies leaning weight into each other at contact impro class. I’ve met Japanese salarymen at a bondage event who had never touched “a woman” before. In their life. With all that restriction, a barber’s gentle touch when getting a wet shave in Tokyo becomes something to die for, and it makes it very special when my elderly tea teacher has to correct my clumsy hands. That’s the other side of the coin.

Alongside the sexual repression comes regulation and the red light districts. Transactional intimacy is very common in Japan. Selling straight-up sex is illegal, but many “other” things are allowed. Like kinky things. However, from a European perspective, it might seem strange having to pay a premium for a service, when being used to intimacy being something shared mutually and equally. In Japan, where relationship-making is very relationship-escalator-normative, and intimacy is often a step towards getting married, or even happening after the vows have been said, buying something with no strings attached is an attractive alternative. A movement of self-indulgence in an otherwise very self-sacrificing culture. However, the main Japanese red light districts are not aimed at tourists, who just want to have fun or do something crazy while in Tokyo. As a result, some of the underground scene understands the business opportunity with rich Western tourists exoticizing Japanese kink. Everything is kind of a domino effect of circumstance, as life often goes.

So what to do as a tourist in Tokyo for a few weeks?

Maybe the easiest is to pay for a private lesson or session with someone who caters for tourists. It’s been many years since I studied rope this way, so I don’t know who is currently “the best.” Maybe Naka, Seigura, Murasaki, Kinoko, Yagami, Kasumi. If you spend enough time with them, they will likely also introduce you deeper into their kinky Tokyo. It is expensive, but I think it’s kind of cool that these old dogs who, from a Japanese perspective, are the scum of society, now receive fame and glory for something they often dedicate decades or a lifetime to.

On a similar paying-for-an-experience note, there is also the tourist-friendly, or maybe accepting, red light district establishments — the most famous being Bar Ubu and Mitsu. But they open and close, come and go, as most things in the underbelly of Tokyo do. Expect to pay at least 100 euros to enter, and nothing might happen unless you want to buy a service. However, from the perspective that Japanese sexuality is very repressed, that the cultural differences with Europe are massive, and that there are language barriers, I still feel that they are receiving people with an open heart, and doing their best to show something of Tokyo that is rarely available to foreigners. So be humble, kind and grateful that they exist.

If the Japanese culture and language barrier is too much for you, you can always turn to the Roppongi district, which offers English-speaking hookup culture. Paid and non-paid. Sometimes kinky, sometimes not.

Another way is the more counterculture, punk and anarchistic fetish and maniac culture. The most famous example is Department H, a monthly party that’s been running for over 20 years, dress-up, bring-your-own-booze, anyone-can-perform-on-stage (at least according to urban legend). It’s much cheaper. Everyone is welcome. But it’s very performative. Very drunk. And again, maybe not always aligned with European consent culture. There used to be more — I think Sadistic Circus is still around occasionally, but Theatre Poo is closed permanently. In general, it’s a bit hard to recommend things, as the city is always changing. But once you find one, you’ll find the old-school flyers for other ongoing events. A good flyer spot is Vanilla Gallery in Ginza, or some of the more adult-focused bookstores in Jinbocho, or the fetish stores in Akihabara.

Then finally, there is the expat community. You’ll find them on FetLife. The events are integrated into the Japanese scene to various degrees, but be aware that foreigners living in Tokyo long-term are usually looking for equally long-term social interaction, so don’t expect anyone to plan their ordinary working week around your vacation, unless you are already very extraordinary and special to them.

So that’s it. That’s my kinky Tokyo. I wish you well in finding yours.