There is a studio at the top of the house. A large bed sits in a corner, and there are large oil paintings and candles everywhere. In the bed lies a motionless body. Almost asleep, as if dead. She is dressed in a simple white nightgown, and her hair is tied into a knot. Her breathing has slowed down so that it’s barely noticeable. I sit on the side of the bed. I raise her hand. It is heavy and as if lifeless but also reassuringly warm. I feel the pulse in her wrist. It is excited. Time passes while I get to know her body. The smell of the soft, smooth skin. Her heart beats in contrast with all the displayed passivity. Slowly, I taste her. Bite down hard. But she is good and remains entirely still. I look around the room. Find her wardrobe and choose the most beautiful underwear and a dress. Tricky to dress a totally passive body. It weighs so much. Only when I change her panties do I discover how wet she is.

I slap her bottom and feel proud of how still she remains. I understand the submission this requires, to stifle the body’s reactions. So I slap her again, this time harder. She squirms a little in pain, and I realise I need to calm down. Instead, I go to the kitchen and make some tea. I take a break and wonder if I should drag her into the bathroom to take a bath together. The thought of dragging her by her hair down the corridor tempts me, but I realise this is impossible. The evening turns into night as the game continues. It feels earnest and a bit solemn. Finally I crawl into bed next to her and whisper that she is her own again. It takes her a long time to regain her will, the impulse to do something, anything.

Later, I contemplated about why this was so exciting. Maybe because there was so much vulnerability. The complete opposite of being a reaction junkie. Here, there were no reactions at all. Only my will. Sometimes we breathed together, perhaps even subconsciously synchronising our inhales and exhales. Clinging to some small shred of security. A thin silver lining in the compact darkness. We had talked a bit about consent beforehand. It was extremely challenging to be completely passive where every movement would be interpreted as a no, that something is too much, too fast. Afterwards, everything feels so very close. So nice.