On this neverending journey to understand sadomasochism and esoteric eroticism, I have dug into various disciplines, philosophy, psychology, religion and spiritual practices to explain why I and others like me behave as we do. The abbreviation BDSM(F) is an umbrella term which encompasses bondage (B), discipline (D), dominance-submission (DS), sadism-masochism (SM), and sometimes adding an F for fetish. It is a helpful flag to gather under as a subculture, and it’s relatively straightforward because it signals what is in focus. For example, DS is on the power dynamic, while SM is on the pain and suffering. These abbreviations explain the what, but not the why. Sometimes, as a gateway teacher, I simplify it into the expression kink. Everyone has something that makes them tick, some enticing taboo, that they are excited by and curious about. The Japanese would call us maniacs. Everyone has a kink. I believe it’s practically universal, and that it is something healthy to honour consciously. When reading the 900-page overview of psychoanalytic academic writings about masochism between 1915-1995, The Essential Papers on Masochism (1995), I found another way to look at things. While I don’t think psychoanalysis is the best tool for working with trauma, it makes a brave attempt at understanding the human psyche. It’s hilarious that Freud said that only a small percentage of humanity is possible to analyse and change. Psychoanalysis, however, has planted many seeds in me that have grown into interesting insights.

Understanding Polarity, to Understand Sadomasochism

To understand these new ways of approaching the subject, I must first define the idea of polarity. It’s a term often used in esoteric eroticism to explain non-duality, duality and synthesis. Think about the symbol of yin and yang. The circular shape is divided by a curved line into a black and a white part. There is a small drop of black in the white part, and a drop of white in the black, symbolising their interconnectedness and how one constantly flows into, becomes the other. Dark is only dark in relation to the light. In an esoteric context, referring to yin and yang is to refer to a quality of constant change, always depending on what is being compared – that is duality. That the black and white are parts of the same whole which cannot be separated is non-duality. The shifting between one another is the synthesis.

For dust you are and to dust you shall return.

The Bible, Genesis 3:19

So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

The Bible, Genesis 1:27

Esoteric eroticism, like Christianity, describes the interplay between the masculine and feminine archetypes. These archetypes are familiar to most people and can seem cliché and tired. But just like yin and yang, what is masculine and feminine always depends on what they are being compared to. This too is constantly shifting, just like what is dominant and submissive. Everyone has both masculine and feminine aspects, even if they are deeply hidden in the subconscious. The concept of non-duality refers to the idea that the two opposing aspects are intertwined and ever present. The synthesis of these opposite concepts results in a new, third way. This is symbolised in esoteric practices by the right hand as masculine, the left hand as feminine, and the third eye as the synthesis of the two. However, the third eye is also in a duality or polarity in contrast with many other things, creating an endless cycle of symbolic language in esoteric eroticism.

A practical way of thinking about polarity is as two roles mutually dependent on each other. They provide each other with something the other can’t achieve themselves. The more the two are moved apart, the stronger the dependency becomes. But they must stay balanced and connected in their differences. Otherwise, alone, they are just two unbalanced extremes. Think about the leader and follower in dance; the more the follower can dedicate themselves to following as an active expression of art, the more the leader can dedicate themselves to leading. And these polarities and their synthesis can be found everywhere one looks.

So now, sadomasochism can be understood as three polarities: penetrated/penetrator, controlling/being led, and exhibitionism/voyeurism.

Penetrated and Penetrator

The first polarity is penetrated/penetrator, and it can be described by this dumbed-down example from my late teenage exploration of the gay scene. That the alpha is the one penetrating, and most likely in gay porn made after the 1980s, he stays in that role almost exclusively. And yet it matters not whether we talk of penises, strapons, asses or pussies. There is an essence in the power behind the desire to penetrate that transcends genitals, toys and even gender. In some esoteric teachings, one learns about having an energetic cock or energetic pussy, that penetration can happen energetically and is powerful as the experience is more relational and emotional than mechanical.

To penetrate someone is, in many ways, to claim them. Just like the patriarchal system claims the earth’s resources (and the earth is almost always represented in the feminine in esoteric teachings). Women who are successful in the patriarchal system tend to be those who have learned to penetrate it like men. 

The conundrum is that the patriarchal system has little respect nor reward for the one being penetrated. That is why our planet is getting fucked, quite literally. To be ‘fucked’ carries a negative connotation, not a jubilant one, as being the loser, the abused, the whore. There is this joke about how a man can never understand consent until he is fucked in the ass. That one amuses me.

We’ve mentioned energetic penetration. This already gives the clue that penetration need not always be physical. Osho summed it up most beautifully: The lowest form of love is in the flesh, then comes the heart, and finally, the devotion to God. In the esoteric world, we speak about penetration according to the chakra system, or about the penetrating or claiming of the heart, the ego, the voice. In sadomasochism, you also hear about play not being sexual. The polarity of the players is somewhere else aside from in the genitals. To whip, spank or cane someone until their body overflows with endorphins is to penetrate their skin, or to degrade or humiliate. To make them a slave or pet is to claim their sense of self.

Personal taste dictates one’s polarities in ways that people are sometimes unaware of. If one does not understand the shape-shifting nature of one’s erotic polarities, they can end up being repressed and played out unconsciously – and therefore, non-consensually. For example, I’ve met emotionally intelligent men, feminists and heroes of equality as they may be, who have destructive relationships with their erotic polarities. And I’ve met equally many successful woman who along the way picked up some of the worst traits of patriarchal masculinity. When one is unaware of them, they can quickly become your shadow.

Controlling and Being Led

The second polarity is controlling/being led. This one is easier; it is who controls the situation, like leading and following in partnered dancing. As control is not a black or white quality but rather exists along a spectrum, there can be a vast difference between the two roles or none at all. Bondage is a control practice that restricts someone’s physical and emotional experience. Practising control is dependent on the feedback from the person being controlled. The more vulnerable and communicative they are with their emotions and experience, the more control they hand over. Controlling someone is still a guessing game; it can be an educated guess based on previous experience. Still, it is only possible to know how something affects another if they decide to share it. Controlling another, in a conscious and consensual way, is all about listening and showing that you can take them somewhere they can’t go by themselves. This is what people long for when longing to let go. Telling a story through control can be fully in the body: the muscles and joints. Or fully metaphoric by defining who they are and in what reality they co-exist. Every action is a suggestion from the leader, and the answer is in the follower’s reaction. That is the dance.

It is stereotypical and easy to imagine how a dominant controls a submissive by tying and whipping them—the 50 Shades of Gray narrative. But power is acted out in many other ways. Sometimes it’s topping-from-the-bottom or bratting, where the so-called ‘submissive’ provokes action and controls the situation. I don’t see anything wrong in this, as long as everyone knows that the control polarity changes. Awareness of the control and erotic polarity and how they interact opens up new play scenarios. For example, the ‘dominant’ can get fucked precisely as they desire in an elaborate serving ritual. Balancing the two polarities makes surrender and vulnerability more accessible.

Exhibitionism and Voyeurism

The third polarity is exhibitionism/voyeurism, which determines who is being focused on. For example, in the Japanese-inspired rope bondage I practise, the focus is almost always on the person in the ropes. I remember one of my teachers in Tokyo more or less telling me.

No one wants to see your ugly face!

Never waste good suffering!

Said another teacher. Semenawa, translated as ‘hard rope’, a popular type of rope bondage, is often described as beautiful suffering. So clearly, the focus is on the person being bound and their emotional journey. However, if I make the play of bringing two slaves on one leash to a club, I want to be seen, and I’m making my partners tools for my exhibitionism. Many submissives love giving attention to the person dominating them because that increases their focus and makes them more powerful, therefore, often, more attractive. These are examples of how exhibitionism and voyeurism play significant roles in sadomasochism.

In more regular genital sex, some people love to see their partners’ pleasure and be its source, while others love being at the centre of attention—a very symbiotic polarity. However, if both are more towards the exhibitionistic side, then the polarity can be created by going to a hedonistic club or recording a home video. I remember a story about a beautiful man that always dated less attractive people because they would put him on a pedestal to ensure that his exhibitionism got satisfied. 

As with any polarity, there must be a partner who balances the scales. I often meet couples in hardship because one person is pulled very strongly in one direction, and the other is unwilling or able to balance that. Imagine what happens if one unconsciously or non-consensually pulls too far into a particular polarity. In that case, they will gradually leave their comfort zone and be forced into their growth and, eventually, their trauma zone. Someone not aware of having a strong pull in one direction or another can accidentally push people into the other side of that polarity. Similarly, not having any power in any polarity makes it hard to create any dynamic with any partner without feeling overwhelmed. Or even attract a partner in a conscious and consensual way. Awareness of how all these three polarities act out personally and in a relationship, sadomasochistic or not, makes it easier to create that balance. Because deep down, I think everyone is a bit deviant.