I have a rather radical perspective on love and relationships. One that isn’t for everyone. But it may inspire you when you are in the mood for love rather than relationships. It indeed affected me. Hollywood has kidnapped the word love, which is why relating is challenging in modern-day life. They have used it to sell romantic comedies and reality shows. They want us to buy into the belief of the princess who marries their prince and lives happily ever after. Sure, I can see this as a kinky roleplay of unconditional belonging, but this is pure fantasy, not reality. True love is something else. The view of love I wish to present has more in common with the orthodox Christian view. That is, to give without expecting anything in return. Like a parent provides for their child. Of course, they do receive something in return, but it is something different, something asymmetrical. This is love.
Then there is the falling in love. That period of butterflies in the tummy, the passionate fire, obsessive thoughts, the whole madness of it all. I believe one must be good at falling in love in order to explore eroticism. The ability to let someone else become the entirety of reality and expecting the same in return. This requires vast intimacy and vulnerability.
I once read a study explaining the evolutionary function of falling in love. Apparently, we humans generally do better to hang out with people more similar to ourselves – life becomes more predictable, safer. However, too much of this causes in-breeding, which nature does not like. Falling passionately in love makes people take more risks, to gravitate towards the village on the other side of the old forest, the less familiar, more exotic. People usually stay under this kind of spell for two years, enough time to create less inbred offspring.
Hollywood confuses the two: acting out love and falling in love.
The ability to let oneself fall in love brushes up against a challenging paradox: can we allow ourselves to flirt with insecurity? Can we choose safety over bravery, knowing over not knowing? Love in and of itself does not form relationships, after all, as love exists without expectations. Relationships are all about the safety of expectations, knowing what I will give and receive and that I will be safe. Never alone. Yet the uncomfortable truth is that knowing is not very exciting or attractive, whereas desiring, hoping, the unknown – those are sexy. It’s the foreplay to knowing. The desire of wanting to consume and be consumed. Not knowing if we will get each other in the end or not. This is what makes the air vibrate. Not knowing if my kiss will be returned has a different quality than receiving a safe hug. But what happens to desire in the context of safety and the known – as relationship expert Esther Perel wonders, Is it even possible to desire something we already have?
Safe knowing and adventurous desire are in constant conflict.
Relationships have always been about safety. Traditionally this has looked like starting a family and ensuring its survival. Looking for sexual adventure is a modern thing. Having a relationship can be about either safety or desire, and switching back and forth between the two can be complicated to do naturally. That’s where conscious and consensual play comes in. Sadomasochism and esoteric eroticism offer avenues to explore these edges.
Before embarking on this kind of play, however, it is essential to be clear about why one wants to relate to others. A practical solution to this conundrum that modern society has created is separating friends and lovers. Finding both in one person is tricky. People often struggle with this. To find and maintain desire while building the safety of a relationship with kids, cars and a house. Some people wait until the children get old enough to focus on desire again, or to separate and look for excitement elsewhere. Some find lovers on the side. But the key is to allow insecurity by acknowledging that building safety will not lead to desire.
