This ritual aims to shift desire from being something located in the individual mind to being a communal experience. This transformation happens by making space for and inviting the desires by speaking them out and having them be heard in return. The second stage is a meditation that gives time for the seeds of desire to grow. Then, when ready, they are reenacted while being witnessed in the third stage. Building bravery by being seen and hopefully appreciated in that vulnerability. The final stage places these so-far individual desires into the hands of the witnesses, making them communal. As well as the owner’s faith when the desire is acted out by the commands of a circle. Ultimately the ritual of desire is a celebration of the eros as deviant, quirky or mainstream it might be, and in that experiencing our private desires are actually shared by group of like-minded. Maybe just maybe you are not so unique in your eros, and there is not reason to fear being outcasted when opening the pandoras box.
Preparations
I tend to prepare the ritual of desire by working with the group for a weekend beforehand as there is such focus on the communal experience; it will be beneficial the more the group knows each other, as the vulnerability of shared fantasies will unravel the mystery rather than the interaction with strangers.
The group should be a maximum of twenty-four people since the actions happen sequentially without parallelism. And a minimum of twelve to be bigger than family-sized but smaller than an anonymous city crowd.
The preparation of the space is minimal. A comfortable circle is created of mattresses, meditation pillows, and blankets. I arrange a few places with backrests for participants who are uncomfortable being on the floor for a few hours. It’s essential that the people in the circle can remain seated to respect the fantasies unfolding at the centre. Sometimes a few tools, like whips or ropes, and props like a bed, mattress or comfortable chair may be helpful. I’m also always ready to play suitable music, and I tend to go for something ambient and emotional and try to avoid the music being too dramatic or comic.
The practice starts with everyone sitting in a big circle, forming an open space in the middle. The first stage is about opening the ritual with vulnerability and bravery through a verbal confession of desires and owning of space. Here the participants take time one by one to expand the following two invitations ‘I’m allowed to…’ and ‘What if…’. As each person in turn expands on these, their answers are witnessed by the group. These invitations often do several laps around the circle.
I’m allowed to…
I’m allowed to be seen.
I’m allowed to cry.
I’m allowed to take up space.
I’m allowed to be turned on by your gazes.
I’m allowed to get fucked in front of everyone.
I’m allowed to scream when it hurts.
I’m allowed to scream in pleasure.
I’m allowed to be boring.
I’m allowed to do nothing.
I’m allowed to be silly.
I’m allowed to make love to myself.
I’m allowed to be confused.
I’m allowed to be demanding.
I’m allowed to be too much.
This invitation is about making space for private desires by removing all obstacles to them. The ritual is ready to continue when nothing remains to be removed. The ritual leader requires intuition to know when to end this inquiry and move on to the second one.
In my experience, there is first a stage of general allowances (“I’m allowed to play”), followed by comical ones (“I’m allowed to fart”) and finally, more personal ones (“I’m allowed to show my belly that I’m so ashamed of”). The last is the most valuable because it invites vulnerability. Once one participant dares to show how much they are willing to expose themselves, others will follow.
If the participants are allowed to stay in this inquiry for too long, the allowances expressed start to emerge more from a place of practical reasoning lodged in the past or the future (“I’m allowed to have as much fun as my best friend did at his wedding two years ago”). Encouraging the allowances to come from a more intuitive emotional place in the subconscious based on the needs and feelings of the right here and now is most helpful. The next round of inquiries aims to invite desires into the space of allowance which was just created.
What if…
What if I would confess my hidden desires?
What if I would dare to ask and have my wishes fulfilled?
What if we all ended up in an orgy tonight?
What if I made you all my slaves, and you loved me for it?
What if we all became animals?
What if we streamed this on the Internet?
What if I told you how much I love whipping men?
What if I told you how much I love to be whipped by women?
What if I told you that I love you?
What if I confessed my love to the whole world?
What if I got fucked by the whole world?
What if you all treated me like an object?
What if I served you fresh fruits from my naked body?
What if I got whipped until I cried?
Similar to the previous inquiry, this tends to go from the general to the comical and finally to the personal. And it’s up to the ritual leader to decide when to guide the process into the next stage. Experimentation at this point is welcomed by, for example, having the participant step into the circle before answering the inquiries. Or by having the circle repeat the answers back at the person responding (“I’m allowed to be horny.” “You are allowed to be horny.”) The person stepping into the circle could wear a blindfold, making it less scary to be seen. Or the circle could wear anonymous white masks to amplify the focus on the person in the middle. Mostly, however, I keep it simple.
The second stage is simple but essential. It’s a twenty-minute solo meditation where participants are asked to select one desire and observe it acted out like a feverish daydream before their minds eye. I recommend incorporating some hypnotic commands or language patterns if you are comfortable with them.
“you are aware of that tiny seed of desire growing, planting roots, touching every tiny nerve ending in your body, where can you feel it? Feeling that desire grow? Like a wild untamed forest inside of you…”.
From now on, the ritual moves from the intellectual and logical into the emotional and mystical. As nothing at this stage happens in the physical world it is important to explain that a desire usually begins as an abstract seed or a snapshot from a scene that sends an electric jolt of desire through the spine, causing cheeks to blush up in hot shame or the breathing to become heavier. Knowing that it carries a charge is vital and allow that to grow both physically or emotionally in contact with the desire. Sometimes I even encourage the participants to touch themselves, to mastrubate, in order to enhance the experience of the daydream.
It’s vital to give time and space to the participants who are ready to dive deeply into their embodied desires. The first stage helps silence the mind because inquiring questions satisfy intellectual problems, in one way exhausting the mental capacity and opening up for the body. So if the first stage addresses the mind, the second stage allows more deeply held desires to emerge from the subconscious. If participants remain in the safety of their mind chatter, they usually quickly access some ‘funny’ idea, which rarely turns out either brave or vulnerable.
The third stage begins with the circle entering a state of silent reflection to connect with desires currently alive within them. Once a seed of a desire is found in the subconsciousness, the participant is encouraged to stay with it, cultivating it until it’s strong enough to be shared. Participants clap their hands three times to attract the circle’s attention, then speak out their desire using the following inquiry.
I desire…
I desire to be whipped by one person while another makes love to me.
I desire to be wrestled down by many who use me for their pleasure.
I desire to tie two women, give pleasure to one and pain to the other.
I desire to instruct a young man how to make love to another man.
Once the desire is spoken, the ritual leader asks the circle: “Who is willing to participate in this desire? Raise your hand.” The person who shared their desire is then asked: Which of these people do you wish to invite into the circle?” Finally, the desire-sharer asks the volunteers : “What are your boundaries for acting out this desire?” These three questions exist to create consent and consciousness around the scene about to unfold, so it’s essential not to rush through it.
Next, the selected participants prepare the stage at the middle of the circle and act out the desire with the circle as their witnesses. The play continues until one of three things happens. Either it comes to a natural ending by itself. Or a stopword is spoken. Or, and this is utterly important, anyone in the circle claps their hands three times to indicate the end of the play. It aims to remove pressure from the participants, as they can trust to be entertaining enough for the circle. So if the circle notices that their attention starts floating away, they are responsible for pulling it back or ending the scene.
Stages three and four can go for about an hour each, allowing space for exploring two to three desires in each stage. It’s essential to have the group return to a meditative state between each play. It may be necessary to pause for peeing and having a quick snack or tea between the stages. Be sure to communicate the structure before people enter the ritual, so they know if they should eat, drink or pee before.
The fourth stage starts similarly to the third stage to select the desire, participants and boundaries. But once inside, the participants will receive instructions from the circle using the following kind of inquiries.
Touch her hair.
Whip them harder.
Tie the arms.
Make him look at everyone in the circle.
Smell the neck.
Good instructions are short and leave some room for interpretation. If the instructions become a long monologue, it distracts from the play. If they try to dictate how someone should feel, it quickly becomes impossible; it’s much better to give instructions that would make you feel a certain way.
Instructions should also follow a flow of witnessing the play, instructing and watching the reaction. Witness, instruct, react. If too many instructions are given, the people in the circle can simply ignore the instructions they feel are least meaningful. Every interpretation is also allowed to be personal to create a balance between the participants’ desires and the circle.
The purpose of the fourth stage is to make the desire communal by exploring it from a multitude of perspectives. Having the initiative from the circle also enables the participants to be braver because the witnesses feed the collective desire with both their presence and instructions. Finally, the play ends the same way as in the third stage, naturally, by stopword or the three claps of hands.
Integrations
I prefer to keep the integration of the ritual of desire very simple. Just applaud the bravery and vulnerability of each scene. Then, briefly release the steam by laughing and commenting before returning to meditative focus.
History
I first heard about the inquiries ‘I’m allowed to…’ and ‘What if…’ from Swedish Theater Pedagog Elin Gustavson and the wordless dance and play parties we co-created in Stockholm around 2015.
