Am I allowed to want ‘not wanting’ to sacrifice this? 

Can I consent to not ‘using’ consent? 

And what does it even mean to ‘use consent? 

I first encountered consensual non-consent in my early years of sadomasochistic exploration when living in Montreal. It was part of the old-school, or old guard, acting out a fantasy of the Victorian household, much like the Story of O in its investigation of erotic enslavement. The basic idea is that the submissive surrenders all control over the play. So there are no safe words. I’ve met countless submissives claiming they can only truly let go if there is consensual non-consent. Because if they continuously need to evaluate the situation by asking themselves if this is what they want, how can they ever surrender? So they dream about trusting and dedicating themselves entirely to a dominant.

Still, many of the dominants I have met have felt that they couldn’t or didn’t want to feel together with their partner, and therefore became entirely dependent on them to verbalise when things are enough. One solution is to negotiate in detail beforehand so everyone knows the play’s intensity, which kills the mystery. Part of the longing in consensual non-consent is to have another decide how much is enough. Why ever embark on an adventure if the journey ahead is entirely predictable. It comes down to balancing insecurity.

I think human beings are fascinated by challenging the status quo. Either by doing it ourselves or by watching others. Look at any reality show or based-on-a-true-story film—especially the crazy characters that break laws and social rules that others fight to uphold. In a way, they represent another perspective on what it means to be human. They feel feelings and do deeds that others commonly only dream about. One can remain in their safety bubble by watching, reading, or imagining another doing it. The sadomasochistic play offers another way to step into fantasy and first-hand experience. A full-on immersion. But how deep do we want to go, and how uncomfortable do we want to be? That is the fundamental question that consent is trying to answer, and is it possible to leave this to another to decide?

The Dream About Unconditionality

I think many people dream about unconditional surrender. The subconscious can drape it in taboo fantasies about rape, drugs, and enslavement. Or paint a glorified picture of a god. An omnipresence that always gives us exactly what we need by knowing our place in this story better than ourselves. One may appear dark, and the other light, maybe even as good and evil, but ultimately these are the same kind of longing in their striving for complete loss of control. This is a poetic form of return to innocence and freedom from responsibility. However, dominants will screw up because they are only human, so they will forever be a false god that, after the play is over, goes home with their aching back and sore knees. So is it wise to put it all on them?

In a controlled environment it is not difficult to appear omnipresent. To be good enough, for a submissive to experience the surrender as unconditional. Yet just like pretending to be that false god, this is a kind of fiction. Humans, as opposed to gods, are empathic, so even the most sadistic and iron-willed dominant is constantly influenced by the submissive. Especially if the submissive is generous in sharing how they feel and how the action of the dominant impacts them. My experience shows, however, that is exactly the kind of play people long for in a united dance. When the dominant can voyeuristically enjoy their partners’ experience. Depending on how much trust there is in the relationship, the play might take more or less crazy turns. For example, is the dominant open to flog the submissive until they sigh in pain or the skin bruises, or until tears are flowing and the marks look in danger of becoming permanent? With consensual non-consent, this is almost entirely in the hands of the dominant.

The polarity between a submissive and a dominant must be mutually beneficial in the long run. It depends on both providing each other with something the other can’t achieve alone. Otherwise, there will be a rebellion in the best case and, in the worst, death. Because why give up control if there is no benefit? If one is forced into submission by physical violence or emotional manipulation, it is abusive. So one way to think about consensual non-consent is that it’s up to the dominant to suggest the exchange. In the short run, the submissive will agree because it’s part of the agreement, but it has to benefit them both in the long run. Consensual non-consent can be something that counteracts the lazy tendencies of the mind, the weakness of the flesh or the social complexity of life in general. However it can also bring us to places we could barely imagine possible and show us that we are far stronger than we thought.

Consensual Non-Consent As A Result Rather Than A Means To An End

In my experience, as the intensity of power dynamics increases in a sadomasochistic relationship, it can become more challenging for the submissive partner to articulate their desires. This is not just due to a rational expectation of compliance within the dominant-submissive narrative, but also because the body releases endorphins during play which can inhibit critical thinking and make the submissive more accepting of anything that happens. It can feel like falling in love with the play temporarily, but love is not rational, and so it becomes increasingly challenging to depend on a safeword or pre-negotiated consent. 

Instead, Ideally, a healthy sadomasochistic relationship should build trust through mutual devotion, which can lead to a dynamic of consensual non-consent. I almost wish to believe that this outcome is inevitable for all sadomasochistic relationships in which the polarities have been pushed far enough. This can be a conscious shared goal, a subconscious longing or a slippery slope to a destructive relationship. Ultimately, consensual non-consent can be a consequence of the power dynamic rather than a conscious choice. However, until you get there, it’s crucial for both partners to learn when to stop and establish boundaries.