Let’s begin with a few definitions of healthy selfishness. Aftercare is what you do together with your partner after a play has ended. Self-care is what you do with yourself when your partner is no longer with you. Resilience is more complicated, so I’ll get back to it later. It’s common practice in the sadomasochistic subculture to talk about aftercare before the session to understand what the other needs, what I’m willing to provide, and how and if that combines. What if someone gets desperately horny and ‘needs’ sex afterwards? Or at a ritual, ‘needs’ the other to support them for the rest of the night?

It’s a misunderstanding that aftercare is only for the submissive. To generalise broadly, the more selfish the dominant has been, the more aftercare they need because they have probably broken many of their own ethical rules concerning beating or humiliating people. Even if it is totally conscious and consensual, the subconscious mind may trigger feelings of guilt and fear. Dominants who fail to acknowledge this vulnerability are more dangerous because they either suppress or normalise this behaviour, or it may trigger feelings of regret, disgust and shame. Or even anger towards themself or others. Dealing with that is part of the aftermath of a session.

Aftercare For The Soul

I like to think about aftercare as tending to the soul by caring for the physical body. And often, the non-physical body is more important, at least in the long run, because bruises and scars almost always heal, while the emotional scars and triggers might stay forever. The most immediate things to do are hopefully obvious ones: calm down the nervous system, restore blood sugar, hydration, and manage body temperature. Making them feel safe, cared for and loved.

It’s interesting to consider what kind of aftercare happens within an ongoing polarity or power dynamic. The play often fades away gradually, and the needs and responsibilities will differ accordingly and take many different shapes. For example, in the dominant role, I could order my submissive to pleasure me sexually, give me a massage, or cook dinner as the session ends. This still maintains the power dynamic but with a lower intensity. Similarly, as a dominant, I could wrap my partner in a blanket, feed them ice cream and watch a movie together. This is also maintaining the power dynamic, but on low heat.

Or, we can try to break the polarity by having a very rational chat about what happened and giving each other feedback. However, I often prefer to let the dynamic slowly fade, maybe even until we fall asleep in each other’s arms, leaving rationality for the next day.

No matter what style is chosen, a brief check in to see if your partner is doing fine is loving, helpful – and human. If you hear that your partner is actually not fine, then there is at least an opportunity to deal with it right away. When one has traversed intimate terrain, one is left without armour, exposed. In this state, little grievances left ignored can grow into large monsters which can spring out unexpectedly the next time the armour comes off. We have ways of avoiding this.

Having The Resources To Take Care Of Myself

It’s also possible to feel slightly euphoric after a session and come out of it wearing rose coloured glasses. The exposed vulnerability might lead to feeling vibrant and deeply alive – this can even get addictive. Yet what goes up must come down, and how one navigates the descent matters a lot. Some might reach for a glass of wine to dampen intensity (if you notice your partner aiming to down an entire bottle however, something is in need of attention.) How skillfully one can navigate the ‘hangover’ of a session depends to a large extent on one’s resilience.

In sadomasochism, resilience is the key factor that determines whether someone gets hurt or not. One way to measure it is the resources one has to deal with life, and many factors contribute to it. Having a social network is a big one, having someone to call or reach out to when things are hard. Emotional and physical well-being is another. It’s important to have enough space in your life to cope when things don’t feel good. Age and experience also play a role, as going through difficult times can build resilience. However, emotional scars and traumas accumulated over time can make it harder to cope with challenging situations.

It’s a sad fact that the people with the least resilience or resources to deal with bad situations are also the most likely to end up in them. Those with more experience should take more responsibility by asking themselves if they’re ready to provide proper care. I remember one of my first and much older mistresses, when I was twenty-something, telling me that I would attract many people through my sadomasochistic life, and if they were young(er), it was my responsibility to make sure that I left them in better shape than I found them. However, it’s not always easy to assess emotional maturity, as some young people may be more emotionally mature than adults.

History Is Being Re-Written All The Time

Sadomasochistic play involves a space of vulnerability that can be irrational, and the emotional experience can linger in the subconscious for longer than the rational experience. The experience is made safer by acting out inside a conscious and consensual container. For example, bondage filled with shame and exposure is made ‘okay’ because it happened inside an agreed-upon frame. However, our modern concept of consent is often based on a mental understanding rather than a shared emotional experience, as we have spoken about previously. The felt experience remains in the subconscious, but most plays end safely with aftercare, self-care, and ample resilience, which can make the memory feel safe.

The brain has a function where memories are reassessed each time they are recalled, and the framing of the memory might be different from the last time it was remembered. Like after a big relationship fight, waking up after a hellish nightmare, or being caught in a stressful life episode, at a time when our resilience is lower, or the other way around, at a time when we have more resources and perspective on the situation. For example, one’s evaluation of a situation might change after leaving a destructive relationship. It’s essential to remember that the memories of a sadomasochistic play are likely to be more emotional than logical and can be highly influenced by one’s current level of resilience.

This makes it challenging to determine why one might feel bad a few weeks after a session. Is it because one’s resilience is low, and there was not enough space for self-care? Or is it because one has gained perspective on the situation and something bad really happened? The only thing to keep in mind is that my memories depend more on my current mood than my mood during the actual session. It’s essential to be kind to oneself and use resilience to handle the situation by reaching out via social networks or taking some self-care time for oneself.

Finally, to make things more practical here is a little checklist:

• What is my and my partner’s current resilience level? If unbalanced, is the more resourceful willing to take more responsibility?
• What are the aftercare needs and protocols of the submissive and the dominant? Do they work inside or outside the power dynamic? 
• What space do we have for individual self-care once we go our separate ways?
• What previous experience do I have to answer these questions correctly?