When you add the knife, you tone down the bondage. This brings balance to the scene.

Many years ago, at a rope bondage festival, I asked a friend to teach me about including knives in my play. And that was her primary response. Sadomasochism is a balancing game between holding space and selfishness and between risk and intensity. Knowing what you and your partner bring to the balancing scale is a critical safety factor. It’s easy not to see what we are not aware of. The knife is a very specific example, however below is a list of general risk factors I encountered during my twenty-so years of play. And I’m obviously still learning.

Do you have a fixed goal for your kink?

It’s a complex question regarding safety if the goal of play is allowed to change during the unfolding. If the goal is fixed as stated by the submissive beforehand (‘I want you to penetrate me after tying me up’), they are actually guessing what their true desires will be. And we are so bad at that as human beings. But the dominant on the other hand, might feel safe hearing the outspoken goal, if he trusts the guesses of the submissive.

If there is an agreement that the goal is to be left flexible (‘I want to discover what we are together’) the submissive is actually leaving the decision to later. But these decisions will be taken under the influence of hormones, horniness and submission. On the other hand, the dominant must trust that they are attuned enough to guess where the play is heading. 

Hence in the first case, the submissive is the one guessing, and in the second the dominant is the one guessing. Of course, in reality, it’s always a mixture of the two. Because no one really wants to know fully what will for certain happen as they head to discover the mysteries of eros.

So, are you a person attracted to the mystique of kink?

I often muse about dedicating oneself to the present, describe consent as feeling together, and strongly prefer on-the-fly over prenegotiated. I seek the unknown in play, which is a risk factor because I never know where I am going—the desire for mystique is more common in esoteric temples and conscious kink communities than in traditional BDSM dungeons. A balancing factor to uncertainty is experience.

Now, do you know what you are doing technically?

When teaching rope bondage at festivals, I am terrified when the first question is how to suspend their partner in these two-three hour workshops. Hanging people in ropes is much more dangerous and skill-demanding than it looks. When introducing a new kink into my personal library, I have to get to know it, which takes time. Some of my most beloved kinks I have invested years studying. If someone is new and knows nothing about sadomasochism, I recommend using elementary techniques but balancing them with something else to make the play exciting. Focus makes all the difference. Don’t belittle yourself for not using the meanest whip or tying the most dazzling knot. Instead, be proud and amazed by any trust that has been created.

Next, how good are you at understanding people?

Sadomasochism is often a non-verbal practice, so one must depend on their ability to read emotions and body language. It’s a skill which varies greatly between individuals, and one which definitely requires training. Hanging out in the Berlin’s avantgarde sadomasochism subculture where everyone was a dancer, workshop leader, or sex worker (or all three simultaneously) isn’t comparable to the middle aged CEO who complains that he can’t tie his partner if he doesn’t see their face and is paralyzed by being torn between his own sexual fantasies and his performance anxiety.

How “alpha” do you dare to be?

While some are great at understanding people, others are amazing at expressing their will and getting their way. In other words, dominating. Allowing oneself to be selfish and ensuring one’s particular taste gets satisfied is a great gift. I meet so many people struggling with their desire and instead only ending up serving others. Being too agreeable is a risk which probably results in you getting hurt. While being too self-assured, or ‘alpha’ is more likely to get others hurt by you. An imbalance between your alphaness with your partner’s submissiveness is the second risk factor. Even if the goal is locking the power dynamic inside the safer frame of sadomasochistic play, the outside world factors in. It’s a vast difference when an older, socially accomplished man dominates a young confused girl, compared to the other way around. 

Do trauma and triggers play a major part in your emotional state?

Life has left none of us unscarred. And I believe that our traumas never fully heal; instead, one learns to live with them and incorporate them as best we can into our daily lives. While no one is too ‘broken’ to engage in sadomasochistic play, panicking or dissociating during a session would be undesirable. Coming into a play session with unrecognised triggers could greatly hinder the ability to be connected with one’s partner or uphold consent. There is also the very real risk of becoming re-traumatised – and that goes for either the dominant or submissive.

Having a support network plays a substantial role here. Having friends and community around you helps to stay grounded in the play and to be able to reach out for connection when things go wrong. Being a lone wolf in this world is a more dangerous option for everyone involved.

While on the subject of eros, another question is, how sexually satisfied are you in general?

Being desperate to explore one’s deviant eros or lost in arousal is a recipe for overstepping boundaries. When overwhelmed by lust, one risks ending up masturbating with another body to satisfy feverish fantasies, rather than meeting and listening to another person. Fantasy and daydreams are great fuel for starting a scene, but they should be put to the side to give space for the play once inside. Another possible irony is that when fully sexually satisfied, it may be easier to then stay focused on the here and now, but the passion for the play may be dead. Imbalance between arousal and satisfaction, present and fantasy is the risk factor at play here.

And the final question, how deviant is your eros?

This factor, I think, saves most beginners because they are not really that deviant. There is some spanking, handcuffs and blindfolds, but very few start out wishing to feel a knife against the skin. Starting out not-so-kinky allows many of the risk factors I listed above to be balanced. But it’s important to know that once one starts to upgrade their sadomasochistic play, the foundation of shared presence, trauma awareness, non-verbal communication, sexual experience, and understanding of polarities must be there.

Also, many risk factors I listed have their extreme expressions, like being entirely emotionally unstable, addictive, anti-social, narcissistic, co-dependent, pathologically perverted, etc. But, for most people, things go wrong when many minor risk factors pile up, combined with ‘bad luck’. The more knowledge and experience one has, the luckier one becomes.