Attending to the dominant’s needs is not the first, most obvious element people think of when imagining a traditional dominant-submissive scenario. Yet this lies at the very heart and soul of effective dominance. When I explain that the first thing I teach a new submissive is how to serve me, many people respond in confusion, especially in the esoteric subculture I love so much. There is such a focus on the submissive’s experience, and I believe that it must be balanced with teaching the dominant how to be served, in order to be selfish. Otherwise, who would want to be a dominant if it’s always about serving the submissive?

It is easy to understand why the submissive’s experience is more often focused upon. There are at least two main reasons for this. First, sadomasochistic play tends by and large to be a heteronormative practice, with a dominant man and submissive woman, and so it is to be expected that there is lot of sensitivity around how to safely navigate being a submissive woman. As if there is an unspoken assumption that men have little to learn about how to be a dominant. Secondly, the dominant role is so greatly misunderstood, possibly even more complex, that people more naturally default to focusing on the seemingly better-understood role of the submissive.

The greatest gift a dominant can give their submissive is taking responsibility for their own pleasure and satisfaction. This is the only way for polarity to really work. This way, the submissive doesn’t have to evaluate whether the dominant is happy or not. Instead, they can trust to be told. Sure, the submissive can choose to worry about the dominant’s contentment levels – after all, punishment or reward might be forthcoming depending on their behaviour. But when the dominant takes responsibility for their own satisfaction, the submissive is relieved of the mindfucks, dramas and the self-critique typical of everyday life.

The submissive’s sacrifice, effort or discomfort must be proportional to the gain of the dominant. Otherwise, it doesn’t feel meaningful. As someone wisely said, never waste good suffering. Of course, this all depends on the submissive being actively invested in wanting to serve and being curious about the dominant’s desire, and this requires trust. Making it a meaningful experience to submit is the most important element of all.

Exercising The Selfishness Muscle

Learning to be served as a dominant has different facets. Firstly, one must find inner tranquillity to connect clearly with present feelings and desires. Easier said than done! This allows one to find the most attractive aspects of a particular situation and be able to dive deeply into them. It might be the smell of hair, skin warmth, or breath moisture—something you want from them. The challenge here is to stop everything you are doing and feel this attraction as viscerally as possible. This is the key to eros. Many beginner dominants are scared to drop into their desire, and I think they might be worried about being boring because little is happening. But feeling desired and actively enjoyed by another is thrilling – even when action is minimal. This often feels awkward or unusual as we humans are so caught up with constant doing over simply being.

Next is to decide what it is you want and teach the submissive how to pleasure you as a dominant. This can be as simple as the submissive offering vocal appreciation, dressing in a certain way, serving tea as a ritual, or giving a loving massage. 

I enjoy being as specific and detailed as possible, making it an honour and an achievement to get it right. But, once we have established a clear power dynamic in which both sides feel safe, I can even ask the submissive to bring me into a state of surrender. Because to feel pleasure, I need to stop giving instructions. 

Surrendering As A Dominant To Orgasm

I think most people do this subconsciously anyway because one must surrender to orgasm, in my experience. It’s, of course, also possible to surrender without orgasming, but that, I hope, goes without saying. A submissive friend of mine likes to joke half-seriously that making her partner orgasm in play is her way to regain control momentarily. Only for fun, to show that she can. She is not a very submissive person outside the bedroom.

Sometimes, I like to challenge the dominants I mentor to explore the least traditionally masculine or dominant activity they can train their submissive to serve them with. Some classics are getting fucked with a strapon or receiving a relaxing bondage experience. So many heteronormative dominant men I meet are shit scared of anything that might test their position of power. But I believe one should stretch their self-definition as dominant to know how stable and trustable it is for everyone involved. It’s like a rite of passage. Once passed, the dominant can enjoy an anal massage without fearing losing position or being seen as less able.

So many people who play the dominant role in the power dynamic miss out on so much pleasure. When establishing a new relationship with a submissive, I first must train them to pleasure me, and if they are not interested in that, then I’m not interested in them. For someone new to sadomasochism, having a submissive give their body to practise, for example, a rope bondage pattern, counts as offering pleasure. But for anyone in it for the long run, I recommend dominants to up their creative game and become more diverse in their desires, zero in on what makes them purr and shift their focus to their own pleasure first and foremost, and not mainly on their submissives.

An important final step for the dominant is to learn to say no. For they too need to learn this important word, not just the submissive. They must learn how to reject and show dissatisfaction. This we will explore more deeply later in this paradox.