Where we choose to place our focus can make, break or transform the essence of a shared experience. The focal point of our awareness is referred to in psychology as the salience landscape. This is what stands out in our understanding of the present moment. When everyone in a scene share the same mental landscape, they experience the intimacy of belonging to the same point in time and space, like a harmonious choreography of mind and body. The directing school I attended was influenced by the teachings of Stanislawski and Grotowski, and great emphasis is placed on the motivation of the actors on stage. Those who are on stage confused about what they are doing there will transmit this confusion and discomfort. There are instances when lack of awareness might be a part of the sadomasochistic game, or possibly used to create a sense of mystery on a stage, but to increase a sense of comfortable connection between actor and audience, they need to share the same salience landscape. They must belong together in the same space. Otherwise, the experience is akin to the punishment of being cast out of the story itself.
Sadomasochistic play involving complicated techniques, however, have a way of getting in the way of keeping focus, overtaking the minds of even the most seasoned dominants and submissives. Suddenly, an entire play can become a non-consensual and unconscious punishment for both. One solution I have found is threesome games. One of the biggest a-has I’ve ever had in the sadomasochism world is how effective it can be to keep play focus tight by adding a third person to a play scene – as witness, or as director.
Two Threesome Games
The first is a three-step hierarchy with a director, a doer and a receiver. Here, the doer can focus on the ‘advanced’ techniques, and the director and receiver on the ‘extreme’ intimacy. In addition, I often suggest the director and the receiver create a connection by having eye contact. The receiver will directly experience the sensations, while the director will have them indirectly through empathy. Sharing the knowledge that they are both the cause of the feeling they experience together. It is a massive rush of power. At the same time, the doer can rest in doing.
In the second game, there are two receivers and one person who is both the director and the doer. It’s one of the most common sadomasochistic plays, with one dominant and two submissives. But the key here is to form an intense intimacy between the two submissives, again by eye contact. So they will both take turns feeling the sensations directly in their bodies and indirectly through empathy with the other. The waiting also creates anticipation, which is a fun game in itself. The dominant will focus on alternating between doing and directing.
I have often seen this constellation fail when there is no intimacy created between the receivers. Instead, what often ends up happening is that the dominant tries to form two separate relationships while at the same time trying to be both doer and director. This is also why sexual threesomes often fail when one person tries to maintain two ties of intimacy, or when one rigger tries to tie two models and divide their attention. In my experience, 100% intimacy with one person is much more than 50% with two. Once again, the key is the intimacy between the receivers—what bonds them together. Think about it as a triangle instead of a V-shape, where the last line is the connection between the receivers.
Including the third person can be both a blessing and a curse. It can break apart complicated tasks, as in the doer and director. But it can also create separation unless there is a unique role or reason for each participant, whether they are dominant or submissive.
Never Forget The Cruelty
In these threesome games, cruelty plays a vital role. In the first game, with the three-step hierarchy of the director, doer and receiver, the connection between director and receiver is a balance between cruelty and empathy. If there is a fear of vulnerability, the director sometimes is drawn toward the doer, taking the safer route of supervising the technique and giving detailed instructions. This avoids admitting and seeing their cruelty in connection to the receiver. Other times the receiver closes down and goes inside themselves to avoid sharing their experience and being vulnerable. In these cases, I suggest slowing down and reconnecting to the intention of sharing the scene.
Similarly, in the second threesome game, with two submissives, the intimacy between the two receivers is in sharing the experience of cruelty and feeling empathy for the other. However, the receivers can also slip into a competitive game, which is fine as long as their empathic connection is maintained. If instead they shift their attention to the dominant, the game can change to a jealous competition for attention or even suffering. It’s important to note that even should this occur, that too would be okay. What I mainly wish to facilitate is the breaking apart of the roles of director and doer, and to encourage other forms of connection.
