Is it necessary to be so cruel? It’s a question I get often. Sadomasochism is, in many ways, a fantasy of cruelty, which differs significantly from everyday relating. Gilles Deleuze makes a good point in naming his book Masochism: Coldness and Cruelty (1967), implying that the second requires a burning hot passion. Pain need not necessarily be involved; simply losing agency or being condemned to boredom is more than enough to qualify as cruelty. Imagine a play that centres around pleasing the dominant by teaching the submissive a particular behaviour without care for their pleasure.
Cruelty gives rise to harshness when correcting a displeasing behaviour, from intensive attention to detail, and from expectations. A helpless submissive requires caring, which is a kink in and of itself, and may be what many dream about, to be allowed to give up and not be strong anymore. Alternately, an empowered submissive deserves cruelty because they are strong enough to balance on the vibrant edge of losing control, getting high from holding on, and eventually becoming helpless and cared for. Cruelty is paradoxical – no goal defines it, but rather the means by which it is acted out.
More Safety Welcomes More Cruelty
Cruelty becomes important over time because as the relationship between a dominant and a submissive grows, so too does the base level of safety. This empowers everyone involved, hence more is needed to reach the same high. I spent a couple of years in full-time master/slave relationships (in both roles), and can personally attest to the difficulty in maintaining a level of cruelty. I see many sadomasochistic relationships starting out very intense with rigid protocols and complex rituals. But as the couple grow closer to each other, the intensity often fades, just like in normal vanilla relationships. People ultimately tend to focus more on their similarities, to what unites and binds them. The motivation for risk-taking then necessarily decreases. When we are focused on similarities, there is no polarity. In fact, what we experience most often is the active avoidance of polarity. It’s then that the fantasy often collapses. This happens more slowly in a vanilla relationship, but in a sadomasochistic relationship, it can happen the instant the fantasy bubble pops.
Maintaining the conscious and consensual cruelty is part of maintaining the intimacy, the scene, and the sadomasochistic fantasy. Some of my best sadomasochistic relationships have been with submissives that already have a well-established partner with lots of love and clear communication. The long-term partner does not want to dominate, especially not in a cruel way, because they are a team together, best friends and often even have a family. Both feel so safe with each other, so the level of cruelty required for the submissive to actually feel dominated feels impossible. Hence they found me. The long-term partner often feels very safe with me dominating their loved ones because they understand this dynamic very well. They started with lots of intense adventures when falling in love, and they experienced the change, and they know that I want to keep my relationship with a submissive at the stage of adventure. So there is no competition for long-term love and safety.
In Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s The Gulag Archipelago (1973), the most famous book documenting the grotesque cruelty of communism, there is a passage about the reformation of the criminal system between 1924 and 1926. Previously, punishment was aimed at the redemption of guilt and revenge. You know, Mediaeval eye-for-an-eye morality mixed with a modern penchant for re-education after breaking social norms. What the communist Soviet Union instituted was punishment for opposing the existing power structure. Preferably doing so before any sign of opposition in order to prevent future misconduct. Acting preemptively was used as an excuse for genocide. The term for people taken under custody was kulak, a class enemy.
From the monstrosities of history to conscious and consensual sadomasochistic play, what kind of punishment style do I use as inspiration in my deviant creativity? Do I enjoy beating someone because they broke a rule and disappointed me? Or helping them overcome the guilt of failing a task? Or simply because they are submissive, and I’m the dominant? Reminding them of their place in our play abuses power because it removes all of their control over the situation. This may be the most taboo form of sadomasochistic punishment play.
